Where to Start

This a chronicle.  You can read in whatever order suits you, or just jump to certain tags. I’m breaking it down into chapters here, because why not.

Chapter 1: The beginning (12 July – 9 August 2013)

If you want the whole story, this is obviously the best place to start. Rachel was very firm in her assertion that she was polyamorous and was dating someone else. I was determined to really do the emotional work on my end and try to process through this. In hindsight, she was being incredibly disrespectful and I was complicit in overcompromising myself.

At this point, I was still resolved to staying with her and working things out. We did not yet co-habitate, but had signed a lease to move in together in August, so that was a looming reality.

  1. Grilling Jealousy
  2. Growing Pains
  3. Do the Opposite
  4. Status Update
  5. Worst Fears
  6. Feeling Less
  7. Bad Day
  8. Dealing with Change
  9. Packing
  10. Reconnecting
  11. Smiling Walls
  12. Asymmetries
  13. Excitement
  14. Polydate, Sexboat, Family Time
  15. Powerlessness
  16. Clarity [music]
  17. Caring and Unfairness
  18. Family and Weekend
  19. Aftermath
  20. Excited and Scared
  21. Kinky Aftermath
  22. Lunch Uncertainty
  23. Lunch Certainty
  24. Secrets Asplode!
  25. Neighborly Love
  26. Flashback
  27. Post-mortem
  28. Ambiguity and Distance

Chapter 2: Building Pressure (29 August – 30 September 2013)

We now co-habitated. While there was a brief 2 or 3 week period of calmness after we first moved in together, the respite I thought I would have once we moved in was replaced with a pretty sustained and constant feeling of latent anxiety. Rachel’s actions made it clear that if looked away even for a moment (such as something as simple as running an errand to the store for an hour) I could not trust her while I was gone; she would do things like trawl Craigslist Casual in my absence. I was pretty much stressed constantly, was not feeling happy at all, and living in my limbic system.

Rachel was still emphatically insisting “I’m poly!” perhaps even more than before.

  1. Porn
  2. Feeling Naked
  3. Just Friends
  4. Who Owns Jealousy?
  5. Disconnected Sex
  6. Remnants

Chapter 3: The Beginning of the End (29 October 2013 – 22 January 2014)

I feared it, but did not know that Charlie was the beginning of the end. This is the black box flight recorder, playing back the final moments of our journey.

Towards the end of this, Rachel began saying “I’m starting to think that I’m not poly.” #facepalm This is all when I discovered “Non-violent Communication” and began learning to understand how to hold boundaries.

  1. Babysitting Date
  2. Butch Date
  3. Partner Asymmetry
  4. A series of micro-breakups
  5. It’s not cheating
  6. Isn’t that enough?
  7. Elephant in the Room
  8. Overnights
  9. Triggers
  10. Trust
  11. Journey
  12. Holiday Remnants, part 1 (there are no other parts; I didn’t have time to write them)
  13. Acceptance Letter
  14. Members Only Club
  15. Hwarf
  16. Falling Apart Again
  17. Primary
  18. NRE
  19. Forgot my skirt
  20. Weird Turn of Events, part 1
  21. Weird turn of events, part 2 
  22. Codependence
  23. Deleted
  24. Flags Raised

Chapter 4: The Breakup (23 January – 11 February 2014)

I realize I can no longer stay in this relationship and bow out. +1 for Self-Respect. At this point, I still believe that we can have an amicable breakup. I move out to my own place, and agree to continue to pay half of rent until she can find a co-tenant to take my place.

  1. The End?
  2. Frenetic
  3. Built Differently [Poem]
  4. The End.
  5. The Journey [Poem]
  6. Moving
  7. Time Machine
  8. Ephemera
  9. Hurts
  10. Calcination Bath
  11. Changes
  12. Revisions
  13. The Tempest [Music]
  14. Changing?
  15. Schism [Music]
  16. (untitled)
  17. Support Group
  18. Your Ex-Lover is Dead [Music]
  19. Poison & Wine [Music]
  20. A Little Progress
  21. School Night [Music]
  22. Angry Today
  23. Breaking Ties [Music]
  24. The End. Really.

Chapter 5: Trying to Move On (12 February – 28 March 2014)

I awkwardly and with much difficulty try to pick up the pieces and move forwards. Difficult to amble along when you’re carrying a mess of detritus that doesn’t quite fit together anymore.

With Rachel periodically contacting me, despite me repeatedly asking her to give me space, and stoking the flames of my anxieties, a boiling anger swells up inside and ultimately breaks on 24 March (post #25 in the list, below). Rachel affirms, explicitly, that she is no longer polyamorous. (#11, below)

I finally break down, all the pieces fall from my tired arms, and I sit in the middle of them and take an honest look at what I have left.

  1. The Accidental Date, part 1
  2. The Accidental Date, part 2
  3. Breaking Bad Habits
  4. Missing… things?
  5. How do you let go of the anger?
  6. Letters with a Mutual Friend
  7. (untitled)
  8. Withdrawal
  9. Core Beliefs and Lessons Learned
  10. You Know That I’m No Good [Music]
  11. My Head Asplode
  12. Really Done
  13. Not an Addict
  14. Meeting the Lion at the Gate
  15. Dinner Party
  16. Location Triggers
  17. Heroes
  18. An Epiphany About Cutting Someone Off
  19. (untitled)
  20. Nutbut and Choco: Reasons to not open your relationship
  21. Vibrations in the Stillness
  22. Found while cleaning
  23. Silent Depths [music]
  24. (untitled)
  25. Engaged? Enraged?
  26. (untitled)
  27. (untitled)
  28. Sharking for Attention
  29. (untitled)
  30. (untitled)
  31. Soup
  32. Hamlet

Chapter 6: Rebuilding (4 April – 19 May 2014)

I have formally cast aside any desires to have anything to do with Rachel ever again. In the midst of all of this processing, I’ve been confronting some past trauma that has arisen for me, including, among other things, dealing with the emotional processing of when I was raped 15 years ago.

I confront a way in which Rachel’s abuse of me has persisted through me paying half of her rent while her new girlfriend is staying overnight at our old apartment, and in the aftermath, feel like I have reclaimed some of my power.

I continue processing the PTSD from having been with Rachel, a person that I slowly realized in hindsight was either Narcissistic, Borderline Personality, or some mixture therein.

  1. Companionship
  2. Small Town Specters
  3. Consent (TRIGGER WARNING: Rape)
  4. Shake it Out [music]
  5. Den Som Frisker Är Och Sund [music]
  6. As I Began to Love Myself [poem]
  7. Locked Out
  8. Kintsugi
  9. Sidewalk [music]
  10. Stoicism [poem]
  11. Self Esteem
  12. Internal Locus
  13. Gaslighting
  14. Catharsis

Chapter 7: Acceptance (6 June 2014 – 25 February, 2015)

I begin to learn to forgive, to accept, and find progress in moving on.

  1. Forgiveness
  2. Some Resolution
  3. The Van
  4. The One That Got Away [music]
  5. Dust to Dust [music]
  6. Den Ständiga Resan [music]
  7. A Different Person
  8. Being Responsible Sucks
  9. Asymmetry in Intention
  10. (untitled)
  11. Dragging
  12. Dislodging the Funk, Valuing Myself
  13. Flies
  14. saw you today
  15. Ripcord (cross-posted from a guest post I wrote on Feve’s blog)
  16. Intuition
  17. I believe Shia LeBeouf (and Piers Morgan is a rape apologist rat turd)
  18. Sex Advice I wish I’d Received Years Ago
  19. drawing
  20. New Year and Retrospective
  21. Desiderata

Epilogue: The End

The end of my story here.

  1. The Car
  2. The Laptop
  3. Martina
  4. Closure with Rachell
  5. The Divorce
  6. Dating

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